The reason why some dont read the wall street journal:It doesnt have a funnies page
DISCLAIMER:THE FOLLOWING IS NOT ORIGINAL WORK
IT JUST CTRL+X,CTRL+C,CTRL+V
5 minute management course
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
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The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that
towel. “
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After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”
“It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies.
“Great,” the husband says, “did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?”
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Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”
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Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish..”
“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas
, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.”
Puff! She’s gone.
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“Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life.”
Puff! He’s gone.
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“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”
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Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and
do nothing?”
The eagle answered: “Sure, why not.”
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
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Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
“I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the
turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”
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“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.
They’re packed with nutrients.”
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree.
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He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
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Moral of the story:
Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there..
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Top 8 Morons of 2007
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, during which the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kiwi Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition: The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
They still had the trailer attached to the bottom of the boat.
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Some interesting SHIT HAPPENS quotes i got from the internet:
TAOISM: Shit happens.
CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, “Shit happens”.
ZEN: (What is the sound of shit happening?)
JESUITISM: If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shit?
ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.
COMMUNISM. Equal shit happens to all people.
CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad.
PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training.
SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you’re on our shit list.
ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.
UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens. Let’s have coffee and donuts.
RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shit happen to someone else.
JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?
REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?
MYSTICISM: What weird shit!
AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?
ATHEISM: I don’t believe this shit!
NIHILISM: Who needs this shit?
AZTEC: Cut out this shit!
QUAKER: Let’s not fight over this shit.
FORTEANISM: No shit??
12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit.
VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you!
NEWAGE: Visualize shit not happening.
DEISM: Shit just happens.
EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn’t happen; shit is.
SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.
CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit is in your mind.
BUDDHISM: Shit happens, but pay no mind.
SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere.
HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.
WICCA: Mix this shit together and make it happen!
HASIDISM: Shit never happens the same way twice.
THEOSOPHY: You don’t know half of the shit that happens.
DIANETICS: Your mother gave you shit before your were born.
SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No shit on Saturdays.
JEHOVAH’s WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon.
MOONIES: Only happy shit really happens.
HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.
BAHA’I: It’s all the same shit.
STOICISM: This shit is good for me.
OBJECTIVISM: Our shit is good for you.
EST: If my shit bothers you, that’s your fault.
REAGANISM: Don’t move; the shit will trickle down.
FASCISM: Shit makes the trains run on time.
CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the shit away.
EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.
DISCORDIANISM: Some funny shit happened to me today.
RASTAFARIANISM: Let’s smoke this shit.
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Little tony getting older
Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.”
Little TONY replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
Little TONY answered, “No, he minded his own fucking business.
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You might be a Computer Addict if :
When asked about your religion, you reply “Unix”.
You think knowing C means you’re bi-lingual.
You regard emacs users as the enemy, vi is perfect.
You regard vi users as the enemy, emacs is god.
You regard DOS users as misguided.
You regard Mac users as humourous.
You get annoyed when people don’t use the non-OS specific *n[iu]x name.
You can recite all the naming rules that allow *n[iu]x to be non-OS specific.
You have installed Linux at least three times.
You ftped all your Linux installs.
You wrote your homepage using DOS edit, and eschew WYSIWYG* HTML editors.
You think WYSIWYG HTML editors are for retarded people that can’t understand basic.
You have installed NT “for laughs.”
You think working at Microsoft is degrading.
You’ve hit the power switch on a Mac to eject a disk.
You’ve hit a Mac because the keyboard shortcuts you love don’t work.
You’ve thought about hitting a Mac user (double points if you’ve followed through).
You regard Mac users as slightly less intelligent than a used tea-bag.
You’ve made a comment on how civilized Amiga users seem next to Mac users.
You associate GUIs with computer illiteracy.
You follow software version numbers the way some people follow hockey stats.
You check your mail at least 10 times daily.
You subscribe to mailing lists to to fill your mailbox.
You’ve fake mailed somebody.
You know what ports 7, 23, 25, 79, 80, 110, etc are for.
You do all your assignments the night before because you were too busy programming to do it sooner.
People mention that you, “always seem to be logged in.”
You are always logged in — at least 3 times.
You’ve hacked somebody’s account.
You have made “free” phone calls.
You know root’s password on some system.
You know root’s password on some system that isn’t your own.
You have told a friend, “the security on this system sucks. Here, let me show you.”
Your high school comp. sci. teacher was an idiot.
You’ve lectured a computer teacher, pointing out all the mistakes they made in their lesson.
You’ve done this in front of the class.
All computing activity must take place within easy reach of caffeine.
You’ve made up a good Microsoft joke.
Your comp. sci. gives you low marks because s/he is jealous of your superior programming abilities.
You can remember your 12-digit passwords, but not your bank card PIN number.
You can pick out a computer conversion a kilometre away.
You have beaten somebody up for saying “information superhighway.”
You have also beaten somebody up for saying “Macintosh Computer” or “Microsoft Operating System.”
You picked up comp. sci. to meet women.
You never leave the house unless forcefully dragged by hydraulics.
Your last girlfriend was on a CD-ROM.
Your homepage has contained the phrase “this web page is still under construction” for several years.
You refer to people who have used the Internet for years as newbies.
You drool over computer specs.
You’ve worn your clothes more than once without washing them.
You never wash your clothes.
You wear glasses or should be wearing glasses.
You have told an engineer joke.
Nobody uses your computer, except for yourself.
Nobody can use your computer, except for yourself.
People have died for using your computer without your permission.
You’ve done hardware repair over the phone.
You’ve figured out that the network connection isn’t working because of an IRQ conflict while waiting on tech support’s hold music (you just wanted to check if their DHCP servers were up).
You’ve introduced yourself using your e-mail address.
You broke out laughing in Jurassic Park when the girl said, “hey, this is Unix. I know Unix.”
You associate Microsoft with computer illiteracy and stupid programmers.
You can count in base 2 and hex, and convert these numbers in your head. Regardless of this, you still can’t remember phone numbers unless told at least three times.
Your hard drive is all neatly organized, but everything around your computer is a mess.
You haven’t seen sunlight in the last 72 hours.
You run simulations to test Star Trek related tech you are working on.
Everybody thinks you are weird, but you know better. You have the HTML docs to prove it.
You have collected at least 500 computer viruses.
You wrote 50 of your viruses.
You know both AT&T and Intex sytax for writing x86 assembler.
Root has sent you mail asking you what you were doing.
Sys. admins snoop your tty sessions “just in case.”
You snoop your sys. admin’s tty sessions “just in case.”
You wrote your resume in PostScript without an editor.
You never read the manual.
You never comment your code.
Your user documentation is just a print out of the source code with creative commenting.
You send email to people while talking to them on the phone.
You have sent email using a telnet client (to port 25, of course).
You watch idiot’s guide to computers television shows just to pick out all the mistakes.
When people engage in conversations with you, you drop buzzwords to test their IQs.
You have turned an English essay into a computer science project.
You always have an ASCII table handy.
You’ve heard the word backup, but never personally done it.
You have a fond affection for VT100 terminals.
You laugh at people who haven’t figured out how to program a VCR.
You laugh harder at people who program in pascal.
You sometimes refer to stupid people as 12:00, 12:00, 12:00..
Computer illiterate people are fodder for your mind games.
You swear and curse like a sailor when you are forced to use an analog modem.
You go into a computer store, and you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.
You call tech support for kicks.
You have used emoticons when writing on paper.
You get personalized christmas cards from your ISP.
You remember fondly your times of SysOping a BBS and the people you knew on FidoNet(tm).
You are the unofficial tech support for your business.
You refer to the group of people you help like you would refer to slow children.
You have thought about deploying rubber bullets after another Monday of helping people from the help desk.
You’ve had to explain the difference between a forward slash and a back slash more than once.
You laugh your head off everytime convential news puts out any kind of comp related story.
While in that groggy fog that happens when the alarm goes off, you dream of typing in stop on the clock and looking for the enter key.
You have your own personal version of The Shelf Where Hardware Goes to Die.
You want to go to Carnegie Melon university, and you know why.
You have an autographed copy of “Why Pascal is Not My Favorite Programming Language,” by B. W. Kernighan.
You have a small shrine to B. W. Kernighan and D. M. Ritchie.
You laugh at people who use their birthday/last name/PIN number as passwords while writing nasty email to everyone on their contact lists.
You have personally sought revenge on people who forward things to you.
You have manually patched programs using a debugger because that bug was just too annoying.
You have manually patched programs using a hex editor because you had no debugger.
You have patched programs to add features you wanted.
